Today when I was working at the lab, I found Reader's Digest at one of the desk. The one and only part that I read in the book (or is it a magazine?) is the Laughter the Best Medicine (or whatever they call the segment this day)
And the September 2009 edition contains a lot of jokes around the world. It says here "30 of the World's Funniest Jokes". I wont say the World's Funniest Jokes because different people got different opinion and I think not everyone gonna agree that they're the funniest but they're definitely funny for me and I'm gonna share some of the funniest that I've read.
Germany:
Wandering around a fairground, a man enters a fortune-teller's tent for a laugh. "I see you're the father of two," says the seer, gazing into her crystal ball.
"Ha! That's what you think," says the man scornfully. "I',m the father of three."
"Ha!" says the fortune-teller. "That's what you think!"
"Ha! That's what you think," says the man scornfully. "I',m the father of three."
"Ha!" says the fortune-teller. "That's what you think!"
Hungary:
Doctor: Have you taken my advice and slept with the window open?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: So your asthma disappeared completely?
Patient: No, but my TV and laptop are!
A fortune-teller advise me, "Do everything your boss says." Sage advice, I thought, as I was working on an important project.
As if I needed more proof of just how good the psychic was, that night, as I read the newspaper, I noticed my horoscope: "Do everything your boss says."
"Will the winter be bad?" he asks.
"Looks like it," is the answer.
So the chief tells his people to gather more firewood. A week later, he calls again. "Are you positive the winter will be very cold?"
"Absolutely."
The chief tells his people to gather even more firewood, then he calls the Weather Service again: "Are you sure?"
"I'm telling you, it's going to be the coldest winter on record."
"How do you know?"
"Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!"
The starlet agrees, and the lawyer goes first. "What's the distance between the earth and the moon?"
The starlet hands the lawyer $5. Now it's her turn. What goes up a mountain on three legs and comes down on four?"
The lawyer is dumbstruck. He scans the internet, flips through his pocket encyclopedia and texts every scientist and professor he knows. Hours later, he wakes up the starlet, hands her $50 and asks, "So what's the answer?"
Without a word, she hands him $5 and goes back to sleep.
"I want to be a congressman," said Mike, "so I can draft laws to benefit my countrymen."
"I want to be a doctor," said Mary, "so that I can cure my countrymen."
"How about you Tom?" asked Joe.
Tom thought a moment and replied, "I'd like to be a countryman!"
His family urges him to go on.
"Before I got married. I had it all," Stanislaw explains. "Fast cars, cute girls and plenty of money. But a good friend warned me: 'Get married and start a family. Otherwise no one will be there to give you water to drink when you're on your deathbed.' So I took his advice. I traded the girls for a wife, I sold my Ferrari and invested in college funds. And now here we are. And you know what?"
"What?"
"I'm not even thirsty!"
"Diploma," the friend calls after her bring us two cups of coffee."
"Diploma? What an odd name," says the visitor. "How did she get it?"
The friend sighs. "I sent my daughter to study at the university in Lisbon, and that's what she came back with."
"Three weeks ago, my wife left me for a cop," Vlad explains.
"So when I saw your car coming, I thought you were trying to bring her back."
"It's my father," the boy sobs.
"He hit his finger with a hammer."
"Then why are you crying?"
"Because first I laughed!"
Since both want it, the farmer suggests settling the dispute with an old fashioned hick-kick. "I kick you as hard as I can in the crotch, then you do the same to me," he explains.
"Whoever screams the least gets the bird."
The city man agrees. So the farmer winds up and delivers a crushing blow to the man's privates, and he collapses to the ground. Twenty minutes later, when he finally manages to stand, he gasps, "My turn"
"Nah, you can keep the duck." says the farmer, turning away.
"Aw, c'mon dad" says the boy, "That's kid stuff. What about some science fiction?"
"All right. Once upon a time, there was a bunny in outer space..."
"Dad, make it grown-up!"
"OK OK. Promise you won't tell mum!"
"I swear"
"Once upon a time, there was a naked bunny..."
courtesy of Reader's Digest September 2009 :)
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: So your asthma disappeared completely?
Patient: No, but my TV and laptop are!
India:
A business executive visits his dear Chinese friend in the hospital. "Li kai yang qi guan," says the sick man feebly. The executive desperately wants to help him, but he doesn't understand Mandarin. "Li kai yang qi guan!" says the patient, as he draws his last breath.
Later that year, the executive is in Shanghai on business when he finally learns the meaning of the phrase "Li kai yang qi guan": "Get off my oxygen tube!"
Later that year, the executive is in Shanghai on business when he finally learns the meaning of the phrase "Li kai yang qi guan": "Get off my oxygen tube!"
Korea:
As if I needed more proof of just how good the psychic was, that night, as I read the newspaper, I noticed my horoscope: "Do everything your boss says."
Mexico:
Indians ask their new chief whether the winter will be cold or mild. Since the young chief never learned the ways of his ancestors, he tells them to collect firewood, then he goes off and calls the National Weather Service."Will the winter be bad?" he asks.
"Looks like it," is the answer.
So the chief tells his people to gather more firewood. A week later, he calls again. "Are you positive the winter will be very cold?"
"Absolutely."
The chief tells his people to gather even more firewood, then he calls the Weather Service again: "Are you sure?"
"I'm telling you, it's going to be the coldest winter on record."
"How do you know?"
"Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!"
Netherlands:
A starlet is seated next to a lawyer on a long flight. She craves her sleep, but he keeps waking her up. "Let's play a trivia game," he suggests. "If I answer wrong, I'll pay you $50. If you answer wrong, you owe me $5."The starlet agrees, and the lawyer goes first. "What's the distance between the earth and the moon?"
The starlet hands the lawyer $5. Now it's her turn. What goes up a mountain on three legs and comes down on four?"
The lawyer is dumbstruck. He scans the internet, flips through his pocket encyclopedia and texts every scientist and professor he knows. Hours later, he wakes up the starlet, hands her $50 and asks, "So what's the answer?"
Without a word, she hands him $5 and goes back to sleep.
Philippines:
Joe, Mike, Mary and Tom were talking about their dream jobs. "I want to be a lawyer," Joe began, "so that I can defend my countrymen.""I want to be a congressman," said Mike, "so I can draft laws to benefit my countrymen."
"I want to be a doctor," said Mary, "so that I can cure my countrymen."
"How about you Tom?" asked Joe.
Tom thought a moment and replied, "I'd like to be a countryman!"
Poland:
Nearing the end, Stanislaw is surrounded by loved ones. As the final moment approaches, he gathers all his strength and whispers, "I must tell you my greatest secret."His family urges him to go on.
"Before I got married. I had it all," Stanislaw explains. "Fast cars, cute girls and plenty of money. But a good friend warned me: 'Get married and start a family. Otherwise no one will be there to give you water to drink when you're on your deathbed.' So I took his advice. I traded the girls for a wife, I sold my Ferrari and invested in college funds. And now here we are. And you know what?"
"What?"
"I'm not even thirsty!"
Portugal:
A man visiting an old friend when a little girl races through the room."Diploma," the friend calls after her bring us two cups of coffee."
"Diploma? What an odd name," says the visitor. "How did she get it?"
The friend sighs. "I sent my daughter to study at the university in Lisbon, and that's what she came back with."
Romania:
Vlad gets pulled over after a high speed car chase. "I'm going to help you out," says the police officer. "Give me a good excuse and I won't write you a ticket""Three weeks ago, my wife left me for a cop," Vlad explains.
"So when I saw your car coming, I thought you were trying to bring her back."
Serbia:
A neighbor finds a young boy crying. "What's the matter boy?" she asks him."It's my father," the boy sobs.
"He hit his finger with a hammer."
"Then why are you crying?"
"Because first I laughed!"
Sweden:
Visiting the countryside on a hunting trip, the well-dressed man from Stockholm takes aim and shoots a duck. But the fowl drops into a farmer's field, and the farmer claims it.Since both want it, the farmer suggests settling the dispute with an old fashioned hick-kick. "I kick you as hard as I can in the crotch, then you do the same to me," he explains.
"Whoever screams the least gets the bird."
The city man agrees. So the farmer winds up and delivers a crushing blow to the man's privates, and he collapses to the ground. Twenty minutes later, when he finally manages to stand, he gasps, "My turn"
"Nah, you can keep the duck." says the farmer, turning away.
Switzerland:
Wife: Honey, did you notice? I bought a new toilet brush.
Husband: Yes, I did. But I still prefer the paper.
Husband: Yes, I did. But I still prefer the paper.
Taiwan:
A dad is telling his son a bedtime story, "Once upon a time, there was a white bunny,""Aw, c'mon dad" says the boy, "That's kid stuff. What about some science fiction?"
"All right. Once upon a time, there was a bunny in outer space..."
"Dad, make it grown-up!"
"OK OK. Promise you won't tell mum!"
"I swear"
"Once upon a time, there was a naked bunny..."
courtesy of Reader's Digest September 2009 :)
