Old man and wild teenager (taken from funcage.com :P)

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange and blue.

The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, “Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

Labour Pain Machine (taken from funcage.com :P)

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

Ladies, Read Only The First Part – Men, The Rest

A married woman found an old lamp and when she brushes off the dust out comes a genie. The genie said to her, “If you free me from this lamp, I will grant you three wishes.”

The woman freed the genie, and the genie said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten what you wish for!”

The woman said, “That’s okay.” For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The genie warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis to whom women will flock.”The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.”

So, KAZAM-she’s the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The genie said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.” The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.”

So, KAZAM-she’s the richest woman in the world!

The genie then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don’t mess with them.
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Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
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Male readers, continue reading….

…
…
…
…
…
…

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife

Moral of the story: Women think they’re so smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen! :P

9 Months Later!

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's
mini van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So
they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered
the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all
to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the
weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the
two men found their way to the barn and settled
in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They
enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got
an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure
it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that
attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North
about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." said Bob.
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I
have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy.
I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
Now keep that
smile for the rest of the day.

Funny Life Lessons (taken from funcage.com :P)

Lesson 1: Naked Wife

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…

“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

-Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

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Lesson 2

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the admin. clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

-Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

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Lesson 3

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

-Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

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Lesson 4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

-Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Things that your wife doesn't use.. (taken from funcage.com :P)

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making Love
to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me --
faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a
divorce!

And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell
you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to
me!"

And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and
this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and
defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that
she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't
eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up
the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because
you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in
moments.

Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was
doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them
away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have
had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also
gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use
because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for
Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots
you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has
a pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my
understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with
tears in her eyes and said, Please ... do you have anything else that your wife
doesn't use?"

Why I Fired My Secretary

(taken from funnyandjokes.com :P)

This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.

My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o’clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Joanne, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

We went to lunch but not where we’d normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” I replied with “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked.

Poor Guy (taken from funcage.com :P)

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Things that your wife doesn't use.. (taken from funcage.com :P)

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making Love
to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me --
faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a
divorce!

And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell
you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to
me!"

And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and
this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and
defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that
she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't
eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up
the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because
you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in
moments.

Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was
doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them
away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have
had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also
gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use
because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for
Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots
you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has
a pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my
understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with
tears in her eyes and said, Please ... do you have anything else that your wife
doesn't use?"

And then the fight started... (taken from funcage.com :P)

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’

And then the fight started…

*************************************************************

My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed.. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ”Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And then the fight started….

*************************************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that’s how the fight started…

*************************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ”I AM NOT HAPPY!!!”

So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”

And then the fight started…..

*************************************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started…

*************************************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive…
so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started…

*************************************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’

And then the fight started….

*************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…

*************************************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”"

Nah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started…

*************************************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And then the fight started…